Legend of the Evil Snowman Dude
by rosepetal704
Summary: Harry, Ron, and Hermione have a very...interesting...conversation one night, involving Snape's awesome new look, dancing unicorns, and an evil snowman...What the heck? AU, set in fifth year.


_**Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling, and Harry Potter doesn't belong to me.**_

"It is not prohibited!" Hermione cried out fervently. Her passion filled gaze met Harry's blank stare.

"Meh bleh bleda bah," said Harry.

"That's not a good thing to say," Hermione said matter-of-factly.

Harry replied in a rage filled voice, "Well I'd like to see you come up with something better!"

Hermione turned back to her textbook, apparently ignoring Harry.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room late at night studying. Or at least, they were _supposed_ to be studying, but somehow they kept getting distracted.

As Harry glared at Hermione, Ron rolled his eyes at the two of them and went back to his gameboy. The beeping noises of the game caught Harry's attention and he reluctantly forced his gaze away from Hermione. Looking confusedly at the gameboy, he said, "How can that even work? I thought machinery went haywire at Hogwarts."

"It's magic. Anything can happen," Ron said simply. This finally caught Hermione's interest and she looked up from her book.

"What are you talking about, Ron?" she asked crossly. "Muggle inventions _don't_ work in Hogwarts."

"Well this one does," Ron replied cheerfully, "And it's _awesome!"_

Looking skeptical, Hermione got up and walked over to Ron. "Let me see that," she ordered and grabbed the gameboy from him, ignoring his shriek of dismay. She examined the gameboy closely, while Ron moaned and complained at her to give it back. Without warning, Hermione threw the gameboy on the floor and stomped on it with a sickening crunch. Ron's moaning immediately stopped as he gaped at Hermione speechlessly. Hermione picked up the shattered piece of metal and handed it to Ron.

"See?" she said sweetly. "I told you Muggle machinery doesn't work at Hogwarts. The thing's completely useless!"

"Well, yeah, _now_ it is," Harry muttered as Ron began to whimper, staring in horror at his broken game.

There was a long silence, broken only by Ron's soft moans of despair. When the silence began to get awkward and Ron's moaning got louder, Harry turned to Hermione and said nervously, "So, how 'bout them Chudley Cannons?"

Hermione didn't answer, and instead said to Harry, "Did you hear about Professor Snape? He's like, got a totally radical new look!"

Harry stared at Hermione. "Snape? Seriously? Are you sure?"

Hermione nodded excitedly. "I know, right? Snape? It's crazy! But awesome! He's like, got ear piercings and tattoos, and his hair's totally blue and spiky! Plus, his clothes are hip and awesome!"

There was a moment of silence as Harry stared at Hermione and she beamed at him. Quite suddenly, Harry burst into maniacal laughter.

"Don't be an idiot," Hermione ordered.

Harry ignored her and continued to shriek with crazed laughter.

Ron glanced up from his smashed gameboy just long enough to give Harry one weirded out look, and then resumed his mourning.

Hermione was still trying to get Harry to shut up, but to no avail. Then, just as she was about to give up, Harry's laughter abruptly stopped. He stared at Hermione and announced, "I've got you all figured out. You think you're cooler than me, don't you?"

Hermione apparently felt this remark did not deserve an answer, and instead calmly stated, "I'm leaving," and started to walk towards the Common Room exit.

Harry's eyes filled with horror. "You can't _leave!"_ he cried, the anguish clear in his voice.

Hermione ignored him and began to open the door.

"NO!" Harry yelled, leaping out of his seat and tackling Hermione.

Ignoring her shrieks of protest, Harry carried her back to her chair and plopped her down in it.

Hermione glared murderously at him for a moment, then grabbed her textbook and began to read.

Harry, looking quite relieved that she didn't violently end his life or try to run away again, watched her for a few minutes.

Noticing that Ron's whimpers had stopped, Harry looked over to see him fast asleep, still cradling the broken gameboy in his arms. With a shrug, Harry turned back to Hermione. Leaning over, he gently rapped on her head with his knuckles.

"Knock knock!" he called in her ear.

Jerking away from him, Hermione slapped him.

"Ow!" he complained, running his stinging hand.

Hermione didn't answer; she was still ignoring him.

Undaunted, Harry reached over and once again knocked on her head. "Knock knock!" he repeated insistently. "Anyone in there?"

He shook her head with his hands and then listened. "Nope, nothing's in there!" he said cheerfully.

"ARGH!" Hermione yelled, throwing her hands in the air. "All _right! Who's there?"_

Harry clapped his hands happily. "Unicorn!" he answered.

"Unicorn _who?"_ Hermione growled.

"Unicorns are _awesome!" _Harry yelled, then dissolved into laughter.

Hermione stared at him in outrage. "But that's not even _funny!"_ she protested. "That's not even a real joke!"

"So?" Harry asked, still giggling. "It's true! Unicorns are the most awesome, adorable, and AMAZING magical creatures of all time!"

Hermione looked as if she weren't sure whether to scoff at Harry or whole-heartedly agree with him.

Ron woke up, the word unicorn apparently having roused him. "Huh? What was that? Did someone say unicorn?"

"Ooh! Me, me, me!" Harry yelled, waving his hand in the air. _"I_ said unicorn!"

"Awesome!" Ron said enthusiastically. "Unicorns are so cool! We should, like, totally get some and teach them to dance!"

"Yeah!" said Harry. "Great idea!"

Hermione shook her head pityingly at them. She went over to Ron and gently patted him on his arm. "No, Ron," she said as if she were speaking to a very small child. "We're not going to teach the unicorns to dance."

Ron first looked crestfallen, then angry. "Shut up, Hermione! I'm not even listening to you! You broke my gameboy!"

Hermione looked offended and removed her hand from Ron's arm. She stalked away and sat back down in her chair.

"I'm bored," she announced.

"Did you hear something, Harry?" Ron asked loudly. "Because I didn't. I didn't hear a single thing."

Hermione sighed in exasperation at his childish behavior. Harry grinned, then became serious. "I'm bored too."

"Well, want me to tell you a ghost story?" Ron asked.

"Hip hip, hurray! A story!" Harry cried excitedly.

"Of course," Ron added pointedly, "I was only talking to Harry. Only _Harry_ is welcome to listen. Anyone else is certainly not. Not that I think there's anyone else in this room. Because there's not. It's just me and Harry in here."

Hermione just rolled her eyes and moved in closer to listen. Ron glared at her, but began his story anyway.

"Once upon a time there was this evil snowman dude-"

"Frosty the snowman!" Harry started singing at the top of his lungs.

Ron shot him a death glare. "Shut up, Harry, you're ruining it."

Harry looked as though his feelings were hurt. "Fine," he muttered.

Ron went on, "Well anyway, legend tells us that this snowman guy-"

Hermione scoffed, "Oh, come on, _legend tells us? _What a load of rubbish."

Still continuing his pretense that Hermione didn't exist, Ron didn't answer her.

"Where was I?" he muttered, then remembering, he continued. "Oh yeah, so legend tells us that this snowman hibernated throughout the warm seasons, and then when the air began to turn cold, he awakened. He roamed the halls of wizarding schools throughout the world, searching for students who were out of bed. And if he found any who were up when the clock struck twelve, he savagely murdered them." Ron's voice turned spooky. "They say his eyes were black buttons, but that as he ripped out the students' throats with his deadly sharp carrot nose-" he paused dramatically, "they turned red."

Harry gasped in terror. Hermione sighed and drummed her fingers on the arm of her chair.

Ron lowered his voice and continued, "No one completely agrees on what the snowman did to the mangled corpses after killing them. Some say he sucked their blood out like a vampire. Some say he took their still beating hearts and devoured them right then and there. And _some_ say he gouged out their eyes and smeared them over his toast to eat with his morning coffee."

Harry was shaking in his chair, seeming close to fainting, and Hermione looked sickened.

Ron appeared pleased at the effect the story was having on his audience. He finished dramatically, "But there's one thing they all agree on. And _that _is that the snowman is still alive to this very day, wandering the halls of wizard schools, searching for rule breakers."

Harry gave a weak shriek and buried his head in his arms. Hermione visibly tried to compose herself, and said, "It's all nonsense, of course. None of it's actually true," but she looked unsure.

Harry raised his head and looked at her hopefully, but Ron said seriously, "No. No one knows for sure if it's true or not. As for me, I'd rather be safe than sorry."

Standing up and stretching, Ron looked at his watch. "Well, it's quarter till twelve, I'm heading up to bed. I suggest you do the same."

"Oh, come on, Ron, you can't actually believe all that!" Hermione cried.

Ron gave her an annoyed look, not having forgiven her yet. "Well, I already said, better safe than sorry. Come on, Harry, let's go up to our dorm."

Harry looked ready to follow him, but Hermione grabbed his arm and said, "Harry, don't let Ron scare you with his stupid stories! You still need to finish that essay that's due tomorrow, and I have homework of my own to do."

Ron growled. "_No_, Hermione, I'm not about to let my best friend get eaten by a snowman! Come _on_, Harry!"

Ron firmly took Harry's arm and began to pull him toward the staircase.

Hermione rushed after them and tried to pull Harry away from Ron. "You _can't_, Harry!" she cried. "If you don't get this essay finished, you'll get another detention! That'll make your fifteenth this month! I'm not about to let _my _best friend get expelled!"

Harry appeared to be torn and on the edge of a nervous breakdown as his two best friends played tug-a-war, using him as a rope.

"He's MINE!" yelled Ron, pulling him one way.

"No, MINE!" shouted Hermione, yanking him the other way.

Finally, Harry got fed up. "ENOUGH!" he yelled, jerking his arms away. Glaring at his friends, he said, "I'm staying here to do my homework. I can't afford another detention. I'm sorry, Ron, but this is how things have to be."

Ron looked pleadingly at him for a moment, but Harry just shook his head sadly.

Admitting defeat, Ron hung his head as though a great weight had been placed upon it. "Well," he said, in an anguish filled voice, "I guess I can't stop you." He trudged wearily to the staircase that led to the boys' dorms, then turned back, tears in his eyes. "Harry, if I never see you again, I just want you to know that you're the best friend I ever had. Also," he added as an afterthought, "It was me who stole your chocolate frogs."

Ignoring Harry's outraged cry, Ron disappeared up the stairs.

Harry snarled. "Well, how do you like that! Stole my chocolate frogs indeed!"

Hermione just said, "Come on, let's get our homework done."

But just then, they heard ominous footsteps outside the portrait hole, and the door swung slowly open. Turning around nervously, Harry and Hermione beheld a horrifying sight...

***As the clock struck twelve, Ron was sitting on his bed. When the screaming started, his face filled with dismay. The air was soon filled with the sounds of growling and snarling. Listening to the terrified shrieks, Ron shook his head sadly.

"Well, I warned them," he said, laying his head on his pillow and closing his eyes.

_**AN: Please review, everyone! You don't know how much they mean to me! And if enough people like this, I might write a sequel!**_


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